In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work”, he talks about how fondness and admiration for your
spouse is a fundamental part of healthy marriages. He states:
“People
who are happily married like each other.
If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be happily married. But fondness and admiration can be fragile
unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at
the core of any good marriage. By simply
reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple
with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from
deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for
contempt. If you maintain a sense of
respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her
when you disagree. (71)”
Take
a look at this example of turning negative thoughts into positive ones. This story was submitted to the organization
SmartMarriages:
Diane,
A woman in my online group was being
very negative about her husband and the group leader told her to try to think
of some positives, even if it were difficult. This is what she came up with. I
thought it was touching. I just wanted you to see it.
- - - - - - - - -
He was very helpful in the kitchen.
He usually got home from work around 3 PM, and he usually made dinner for the
family. I don't get home until around 5 PM. He did all the yard work, took care
of all car maintenance, always called me if he was going to be late, instilled
complete trust, did the lion's share of bill paying because I hate to write due
to carpal tunnel syndrome, balanced the checkbook, fixed the toilet when it
would break (regularly), painted the outside of the house. He usually remembered to put the
toilet seat and lid down. He vacuumed occasionally. He spent lots of time with
the kids. He bought advent calendars with chocolate behind each day for the
kids every Christmas season. He laughed and joked a lot, and didn't like to be
serious. He told me when I looked good. He learned to
enjoy horses because our girls and I loved to ride. He was willing to try new dishes I
prepared. He loved my lasagna. He went to church with the family every Sunday,
even though he had trouble staying awake during preaching. Although he doesn't
like classical music, he went to almost every concert our daughters played in
when they were in youth symphony (4 years for one and 6 years for the other). He held my hand through 3 labors and
deliveries, and whispered in my ear to encourage me. He lovingly dressed an
open wound for me after surgery for a breast abscess after the birth of our
3rd. Four years later, he stood beside my bed as I was being wheeled to surgery
to remove a breast due to cancer, and tears filled his eyes as they did mine.
That was in 1989. He walked the floor for hours at
night with a sleepless, cranky child. He spooned cereal and baby food into
little mouths, and endured spit-up and baby poop on his clothing. He helped me
take care of my mother as she was dying of cancer. Is this what you mean, JJ?
It was difficult to get started, but look what I accomplished! I also have a
huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes right now. He was a fantastic
husband! My sister told me he "adored" me, and I guess that's correct
for a lot of the 26 years we have been married. ~Unknown
Can you name 10 positive qualities that your spouse has?
Have you told them lately that you appreciate
those specific qualities?
References:
Gottman, John
Mordechai, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the
Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony, 2015. Print.
Smartmarriages.com;
The SmartMarriages Archives, June 15
