Yielding, Accepting, Dreams and Charity

“When you understand another person through the lens of his or her own life experience and history, you will find it easier to interpret that person’s behavior accurately and to learn how to accommodate differences.”  

~Marleen S. Williams, Covenant Marriage, 77.

In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he describes how all couples have things on which they disagree.  Some of these things can lead to contention in the marriage.  When couples can not agree, bitterness and anger can creep in and poison all areas of the relationship.  He refers to this problem as “gridlock”.  He explains that couples do not have to solve the problem in order to move beyond the gridlock.  The key is to acknowledge the problem and discuss it without attacking the other person.

He has a genius method for helping couples to explore these hard and emotionally charged areas.  He boils it down to the dreams that surround the topic of argument.  What is the history, the emotions and the dreams that are connected with this problem?  Allowing each other to speak about what the driving force behind each other’s opinions are, and listening to your partner express these things without judgement or contempt allows us to see the world through their eyes.  The act of listening to our partner with love and kindness shows our support.  As we contemplate their perspective, we are given the opportunity to show charity through our response. 

In the following video taken in Gottman’s Love Lab, a couple faces a challenging disagreement (approx. 9min)

It is interesting to see how things dramatically change when they listen to each other describe their dreams, history, emotions and reasons behind their position.  It is a humbling experience to sit and listen when we feel our own dreams are threatened…but the power of listening and considering the world from their perspective is a powerful tool.