Marriage and Friendship

In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman, Ph.D. explains that the most significant finding in all his years of research, is the importance of friendship in a marriage.  Without friendship, he explains, couples are not able to recover well from discord in the marriage.  Overtime, the marriage increasingly suffers, until at some point it dies.  

                

He explains, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse...Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to have positive expectations about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.” (22)

What things get in the way of having a friendship with your spouse or cause negative feelings?

In the movie, “Fire-proof”, the Husband, in a moment of reconciliation with his wife states, “I loved other things, when I should have loved you.”

This is a very honest and telling statement about what can happen in a marriage as the friendship starts to fail.  Overtime, our focus can shift.  Lives get busy, other responsibilities come up and take time and energy away from a marriage and our spouses become less and less of a priority. 

I had an experience with this several years ago.  It was hard for me at the time to grasp what my Husband was trying to convey.  One day as I was trying to figure out how to reconnect I had a very clear thought.  I needed to choose him first and spend more time with him.   I was doing a lot of good and important things like spending a lot of time researching for our disabled son, giving service in our church, etc.  But all this time spent on other things, left zero time to spend with him.  It was hard to face, and I fought and made excuses about why other things needed to come first.  I had to take a good hard look at my priorities.  When I realized the importance of putting him first, I took steps to correct it, and it has made a world of difference.  It was hard, and still is hard at times to say “no” when asked to help or be involved, but our spouses need to see us choose them first.  And to choose them first without resentment.  If things are bad, then you may need to over-correct for a time.  Cut out all unnecessary obligations.  When we do this, our spouses will begin to see that they are important and worth our time. 

If you are interested in reading this great book, you can find it here.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide From the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony