A Union of Two Forgivers

"A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers"

This was posted in front of a country church in Arkansas (Goddard 76).

If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that no one is perfect.  We all struggle.  

When two people come together and form a marriage, so often it feels like we have just secured our "happily ever after"...It does not take long for reality to set in that marriage is just the beginning of a long journey toward perfection.    

In John Gottman’s book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he compares a newly married couple to two separate half houses.  These houses are unique and when the two halves come together, sometimes the walls and fixtures don’t match up.  The rooms may be in different places, plumbing, electrical also may not come together easily.  Through married life, these walls, rooms, fixtures, etc begin to come together and realign until they fit perfectly.  But how does a couple do this?

Sometimes we may think that we will change the other person to match up with us, but in reality, both sides change together to create a new, unique home.  In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage”, he states:

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting and love others. (Goddard 62)”

Considering this approach, it may seem like we will be the one doing all the changing.  However, what I have experienced in my own life, is that as I have followed this pattern and worked to change myself and love my Husband, that He naturally responds by doing the same.  The change might not be immediate, but as your partner begins to feel that you love and respect them, often they will respond in kind. 

Changing ourselves is hard.  Often pride begins to creep in.  We start to question why we have to change and not them.  We start to see reality from our own perspective, we see ourselves as being right and others being wrong.  It is important to keep in mind that “no human sees clearly. (Goddard 63)”  That means that we have to strive to be more humble and less prideful. 

In President Benson’s talk titled, “Beware of Pride”, he states:

“The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’”

We show enmity toward our fellowmen by elevating ourselves above others, but it also manifests itself by faultfinding, gossiping, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise and being unforgiving and jealous (Benson 3).

The proud are easily offended and hold grudges.  They withhold forgiveness, they do not receive counsel or correction easily.  They are defensive (Benson 4).

Has Pride kept you from having a close and happy relationship with your spouse?

President Benson states:

“God will have a humble people.  Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble…We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward [our partners], esteeming them as ourselves and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (Benson 4)” 

What can you work on within yourself that will have a positive impact on your partner?