To Cleave Unto...

Genesis 2:24 states, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Hebrew translation of the word ‘cleave’ includes: keep close, hold fast, joined, pursued, stick together and deeply attracted. 

A few of those struck me.  For example ‘pursued’.  This makes me think about how we should continue to court our spouse even after we are married.  Another, ‘deeply attracted’, makes me think of magnets that are stuck together.  If they are strong, it is very hard to separate them.  They essentially become “one”. 

One important way to cleave unto our spouse is to put them first.  When you are newly married, it is a big transition for everyone.  Parents are learning to step back, and you as a couple are learning to put each other first, while still maintaining loving and meaningful relationship with families on both sides.  As couples cleave to each other, they are able to build a deep and lasting relationship by working through problems and challenges and sharing joys and accomplishments.

President Spencer W. Kimball stated, “Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks.  You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it.  To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together.”

Kimball also said, “Even the children must take their proper but significant place.  I have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in their affection and crowd out the father.  That is a serious mistake.” 

This can be a real challenge.  And it may happen so gradually that you won’t even realize there is a problem, until the relationship has already been damaged.  Two ways couples can keep each other number one in their relationship is by having weekly date nights and weekly/regular family councils.  These may seem silly, however, both with help couples to reconnect and keep priorities in the proper order.  

For help with date nights, check out John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

For help with family councils, check out this link  


Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Partnerships, Pride and Councils

The ultimate example of a partnership is marriage. 

It is fairly common these days to turn on the television to a favorite sitcom and see the Wife as the leader of the household and the Husband portrayed as dumb, inept or otherwise childish.  This certainly isn’t the example I want my kids seeing on television.  I want them to see couples that respect each other, honor each other and support each other in their roles as Husband and Wife. 

In an address given in 2008, Richard Miller, PhD states, “With changing values and norms in Western societies shifting toward equality in marriage, there are less overt unequal power relationships in marriage. There are few spouses who admit or brag about being dominant and controlling in their marriages (although there are some!). Today, problems with power seem to be more subtle and less easily detectable.” 

When thinking about the sitcoms, these “less easily detectable” problems are seen in how the Husband is portrayed as dumb, inept or childish.

In President Henry Eryring’s Ensign Article titled, “That We May Be One”, from May 1998, he says, “The other warning is to beware of pride. A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power. With that power will come recognition from the world. Whether that recognition brings praise or envy, it could lead us to pride. That would offend the Spirit. There is a protection against pride, that sure source of disunity. It is to see the bounties which God pours upon us not only as a mark of His favor but an opportunity to join with those around us in greater service. A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.”

In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” it states, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

In marriage, we can avoid power struggles by avoiding pride, and seeking to be humble and understanding with our spouse. 

One way couples can do this is by counseling together.  It does not need to be very formal, nor does it have to be very long.  But regularly coming together to discuss current issues, problems, future goals and progress will allow couples to work together and unify their commitments to each other and their family.

1. Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.
2. Henry B. Eyring, "That We May Be One" Ensign, May 1998, 66.

Intimacy In Marriage

In the Meridian Magazine 2003 Article, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage”, Sean Brotherson states, “we ought to “seek learning” on matters of ignorance “out of the best books” and that we ought to “teach one another words of wisdom” (see Doctrine and Covenants 88:118). Even about sexual intimacy? Let me answer that question affirmatively. Of course. God would not be very kind, in my opinion, if He were to create the means and the affection for married couples to express love to each other sexually, yet deny us the opportunity to gain the learning and wisdom we need to find fulfillment and mutual joy in this critical aspect of married life.”

How do we learn about this sensitive topic without crossing lines?

Brotherson shares how he believes that ignorance is an enemy to sexual fulfillment in marriage.  He shares a quote from an unpublished manuscript saying, “For some LDS couples, especially those where one or both struggle with negative feelings about sex, doctrinal permission feels needed to even discuss or study such things. It is okay to read about sex. It is okay to talk about sex.”
But how do you know what to read, to learn or to discuss? 

Brotherson provides the following list of helpful books on this topic:

Quality resources on sexual fulfillment in marriage that most Latter-day Saints could comfortably read are somewhat limited. However, there are some excellent sources of information that provide a sound starting point. Six sources are listed here as a point of further reference:

1 - The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Excellent, Christian-based book on sexual love in marriage, frank and wholesome. Great for engaged or newlywed couples, as well as couples at any other stage of marriage.

2 - Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley. Solid and interesting perspective on marital intimacy from a Latter-day Saint gospel perspective. Very good resource.

3 - Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. Book by a Christian MD and therapist with his wife, very insightful and well-done.

4 - The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. Well-known therapist and marriage educator has written an engaging and positive book about dealing with sexual challenges in marriage. Brand new, a great read.

5 - Purity and Passion by Wendy Watson, a BYU professor and marital therapist whose book on intimacy is grounded in gospel understanding and purpose. Nice resource.

6 - Couple Sexual Awareness or Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the Twenty-first Century or Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages, all by Barry and Emily McCarthy. These are well-written, practical guides on sexual intimacy for couples by a well-recognized sex therapist and his spouse.

Intimacy is a very important and significant part of married life.  It is not everything, but it is significant, and failure in this area leads many people to divorce.  If you are struggling, I would encourage you to seek learning through books or through a reputable therapist who specializes in this area.    

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.