Yielding, Accepting, Dreams and Charity

“When you understand another person through the lens of his or her own life experience and history, you will find it easier to interpret that person’s behavior accurately and to learn how to accommodate differences.”  

~Marleen S. Williams, Covenant Marriage, 77.

In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he describes how all couples have things on which they disagree.  Some of these things can lead to contention in the marriage.  When couples can not agree, bitterness and anger can creep in and poison all areas of the relationship.  He refers to this problem as “gridlock”.  He explains that couples do not have to solve the problem in order to move beyond the gridlock.  The key is to acknowledge the problem and discuss it without attacking the other person.

He has a genius method for helping couples to explore these hard and emotionally charged areas.  He boils it down to the dreams that surround the topic of argument.  What is the history, the emotions and the dreams that are connected with this problem?  Allowing each other to speak about what the driving force behind each other’s opinions are, and listening to your partner express these things without judgement or contempt allows us to see the world through their eyes.  The act of listening to our partner with love and kindness shows our support.  As we contemplate their perspective, we are given the opportunity to show charity through our response. 

In the following video taken in Gottman’s Love Lab, a couple faces a challenging disagreement (approx. 9min)

It is interesting to see how things dramatically change when they listen to each other describe their dreams, history, emotions and reasons behind their position.  It is a humbling experience to sit and listen when we feel our own dreams are threatened…but the power of listening and considering the world from their perspective is a powerful tool. 

Is Anger Bad?

It my belief that one of the reasons for our earthly existence is to experience and feel a wide variety of emotions.  As we feel emotions, we learn how to work through them and control them.  I often felt growing up that it was never okay to be angry.  As I have gotten older and experienced very hard and challenging things, what I have come to understand is that sometimes anger is part of a healthy emotional process.  Our behavior in response to these emotions, however, is extremely important.    

Recently, I encountered a very difficult situation, and I felt an anger like I had never experienced.  I tend to be a quiet person, but in this instance, I could not keep silent.  I yelled, and cried and was so severely overcome with anger that I could not stop shaking.  The emotions came so quickly, for valid reason, but it took time for me to calm down and several conversations with family and close friends. 

I did not let my actions in response to these emotions get out of control.  And I knew that I did not want to continue to feel this way.  Over the course of several days with a great deal of prayer, I was able to let this anger go.  While it tries to creep back from time to time, I am able to ponder on why the feelings are coming back, think through things, forgive and then let them go.

In the Scriptures, numerous times it is stated that the Lord’s anger is kindled against the people.  This leads me to believe that there is a form of righteous anger and that there may be a purpose for it. 

In Matthew 21:12 Jesus Christ enters the temple and cleanses it.  It states, “And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves”

While the scripture does not state that Christ was angry, his action of overthrowing the table, leads us to believe that he was indeed angry.  He threw out those people who caused him to be angry and cleansed the temple.  The pattern of this event seems significant.  He was angry, he threw out those that were defiling the temple, and then he cleansed the temple.  

Thinking about how to apply this to ourselves.  Anger can lead us to re-evaluate, throw out those things that have caused us to be angry, and then go through a process of cleansing which I relate to forgiveness and humility. 

In this talk by Elder James E. Faust of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he talks about how forgiveness helps us to let go of anger.  I found this especially true in my own situation, but it is not always something that comes immediately or all at once.  Often the cycle of grief repeats itself multiple times.    

   

So I pose the question....  Is anger bad?

A Union of Two Forgivers

"A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers"

This was posted in front of a country church in Arkansas (Goddard 76).

If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that no one is perfect.  We all struggle.  

When two people come together and form a marriage, so often it feels like we have just secured our "happily ever after"...It does not take long for reality to set in that marriage is just the beginning of a long journey toward perfection.    

In John Gottman’s book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he compares a newly married couple to two separate half houses.  These houses are unique and when the two halves come together, sometimes the walls and fixtures don’t match up.  The rooms may be in different places, plumbing, electrical also may not come together easily.  Through married life, these walls, rooms, fixtures, etc begin to come together and realign until they fit perfectly.  But how does a couple do this?

Sometimes we may think that we will change the other person to match up with us, but in reality, both sides change together to create a new, unique home.  In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage”, he states:

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting and love others. (Goddard 62)”

Considering this approach, it may seem like we will be the one doing all the changing.  However, what I have experienced in my own life, is that as I have followed this pattern and worked to change myself and love my Husband, that He naturally responds by doing the same.  The change might not be immediate, but as your partner begins to feel that you love and respect them, often they will respond in kind. 

Changing ourselves is hard.  Often pride begins to creep in.  We start to question why we have to change and not them.  We start to see reality from our own perspective, we see ourselves as being right and others being wrong.  It is important to keep in mind that “no human sees clearly. (Goddard 63)”  That means that we have to strive to be more humble and less prideful. 

In President Benson’s talk titled, “Beware of Pride”, he states:

“The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’”

We show enmity toward our fellowmen by elevating ourselves above others, but it also manifests itself by faultfinding, gossiping, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise and being unforgiving and jealous (Benson 3).

The proud are easily offended and hold grudges.  They withhold forgiveness, they do not receive counsel or correction easily.  They are defensive (Benson 4).

Has Pride kept you from having a close and happy relationship with your spouse?

President Benson states:

“God will have a humble people.  Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble…We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward [our partners], esteeming them as ourselves and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (Benson 4)” 

What can you work on within yourself that will have a positive impact on your partner? 

Families that Play Together, Stay Together

In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he discusses how a couple creates their own ‘micro-culture’ by developing their own customs, rituals and stories.  He states:

“Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love.  It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together- a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you and that lead you to understand who you are as a family” (261).

Creating this micro-culture allows couples to feel a deep unity with each other.  In Gottman’s book, he provides several questionnaires that we can use to evaluate how strong our feeling of unity is with our partner.  Gottman explains that creating this culture and unity does not happen overnight, instead, “exploring together is really an ongoing, lifelong process” (276).

As I was considering this information.  I thought about what customs, rituals or stories exist in my own family.  One ritual would be reading scriptures and saying prayers together every day.  Another is having dinner together each night and playing a game together every Monday.  Some of our customs include serving a person’s favorite breakfast on their birthday, celebrating awards received by getting frozen yogurt and opening one gift on Christmas Eve.  We have stories of adventures that often lead to inside jokes.  All of these things create a mini-culture for our family.  If we accidentally miss any of these rituals or customs that have been a part of our life, our kids are always really good at reminding us and keeping us on track.  This mini-culture has created a sense of unity and love in our family, and creates feelings and memories that our kids will take with them as they grow and start their own families.    

What customs, rituals or stories do you have in your family?  Are there things you look forward to doing each year with your partner or family?  

It is like that saying...

Families that Play Together, Stay Together

If you want help coming up with family traditions, take a look at this Book

References:

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony, 2015. Print.