Yielding, Accepting, Dreams and Charity

“When you understand another person through the lens of his or her own life experience and history, you will find it easier to interpret that person’s behavior accurately and to learn how to accommodate differences.”  

~Marleen S. Williams, Covenant Marriage, 77.

In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he describes how all couples have things on which they disagree.  Some of these things can lead to contention in the marriage.  When couples can not agree, bitterness and anger can creep in and poison all areas of the relationship.  He refers to this problem as “gridlock”.  He explains that couples do not have to solve the problem in order to move beyond the gridlock.  The key is to acknowledge the problem and discuss it without attacking the other person.

He has a genius method for helping couples to explore these hard and emotionally charged areas.  He boils it down to the dreams that surround the topic of argument.  What is the history, the emotions and the dreams that are connected with this problem?  Allowing each other to speak about what the driving force behind each other’s opinions are, and listening to your partner express these things without judgement or contempt allows us to see the world through their eyes.  The act of listening to our partner with love and kindness shows our support.  As we contemplate their perspective, we are given the opportunity to show charity through our response. 

In the following video taken in Gottman’s Love Lab, a couple faces a challenging disagreement (approx. 9min)

It is interesting to see how things dramatically change when they listen to each other describe their dreams, history, emotions and reasons behind their position.  It is a humbling experience to sit and listen when we feel our own dreams are threatened…but the power of listening and considering the world from their perspective is a powerful tool. 

Is Anger Bad?

It my belief that one of the reasons for our earthly existence is to experience and feel a wide variety of emotions.  As we feel emotions, we learn how to work through them and control them.  I often felt growing up that it was never okay to be angry.  As I have gotten older and experienced very hard and challenging things, what I have come to understand is that sometimes anger is part of a healthy emotional process.  Our behavior in response to these emotions, however, is extremely important.    

Recently, I encountered a very difficult situation, and I felt an anger like I had never experienced.  I tend to be a quiet person, but in this instance, I could not keep silent.  I yelled, and cried and was so severely overcome with anger that I could not stop shaking.  The emotions came so quickly, for valid reason, but it took time for me to calm down and several conversations with family and close friends. 

I did not let my actions in response to these emotions get out of control.  And I knew that I did not want to continue to feel this way.  Over the course of several days with a great deal of prayer, I was able to let this anger go.  While it tries to creep back from time to time, I am able to ponder on why the feelings are coming back, think through things, forgive and then let them go.

In the Scriptures, numerous times it is stated that the Lord’s anger is kindled against the people.  This leads me to believe that there is a form of righteous anger and that there may be a purpose for it. 

In Matthew 21:12 Jesus Christ enters the temple and cleanses it.  It states, “And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves”

While the scripture does not state that Christ was angry, his action of overthrowing the table, leads us to believe that he was indeed angry.  He threw out those people who caused him to be angry and cleansed the temple.  The pattern of this event seems significant.  He was angry, he threw out those that were defiling the temple, and then he cleansed the temple.  

Thinking about how to apply this to ourselves.  Anger can lead us to re-evaluate, throw out those things that have caused us to be angry, and then go through a process of cleansing which I relate to forgiveness and humility. 

In this talk by Elder James E. Faust of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he talks about how forgiveness helps us to let go of anger.  I found this especially true in my own situation, but it is not always something that comes immediately or all at once.  Often the cycle of grief repeats itself multiple times.    

   

So I pose the question....  Is anger bad?

A Union of Two Forgivers

"A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers"

This was posted in front of a country church in Arkansas (Goddard 76).

If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that no one is perfect.  We all struggle.  

When two people come together and form a marriage, so often it feels like we have just secured our "happily ever after"...It does not take long for reality to set in that marriage is just the beginning of a long journey toward perfection.    

In John Gottman’s book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he compares a newly married couple to two separate half houses.  These houses are unique and when the two halves come together, sometimes the walls and fixtures don’t match up.  The rooms may be in different places, plumbing, electrical also may not come together easily.  Through married life, these walls, rooms, fixtures, etc begin to come together and realign until they fit perfectly.  But how does a couple do this?

Sometimes we may think that we will change the other person to match up with us, but in reality, both sides change together to create a new, unique home.  In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage”, he states:

“The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting and love others. (Goddard 62)”

Considering this approach, it may seem like we will be the one doing all the changing.  However, what I have experienced in my own life, is that as I have followed this pattern and worked to change myself and love my Husband, that He naturally responds by doing the same.  The change might not be immediate, but as your partner begins to feel that you love and respect them, often they will respond in kind. 

Changing ourselves is hard.  Often pride begins to creep in.  We start to question why we have to change and not them.  We start to see reality from our own perspective, we see ourselves as being right and others being wrong.  It is important to keep in mind that “no human sees clearly. (Goddard 63)”  That means that we have to strive to be more humble and less prideful. 

In President Benson’s talk titled, “Beware of Pride”, he states:

“The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’”

We show enmity toward our fellowmen by elevating ourselves above others, but it also manifests itself by faultfinding, gossiping, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise and being unforgiving and jealous (Benson 3).

The proud are easily offended and hold grudges.  They withhold forgiveness, they do not receive counsel or correction easily.  They are defensive (Benson 4).

Has Pride kept you from having a close and happy relationship with your spouse?

President Benson states:

“God will have a humble people.  Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble…We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward [our partners], esteeming them as ourselves and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (Benson 4)” 

What can you work on within yourself that will have a positive impact on your partner? 

Families that Play Together, Stay Together

In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he discusses how a couple creates their own ‘micro-culture’ by developing their own customs, rituals and stories.  He states:

“Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love.  It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together- a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you and that lead you to understand who you are as a family” (261).

Creating this micro-culture allows couples to feel a deep unity with each other.  In Gottman’s book, he provides several questionnaires that we can use to evaluate how strong our feeling of unity is with our partner.  Gottman explains that creating this culture and unity does not happen overnight, instead, “exploring together is really an ongoing, lifelong process” (276).

As I was considering this information.  I thought about what customs, rituals or stories exist in my own family.  One ritual would be reading scriptures and saying prayers together every day.  Another is having dinner together each night and playing a game together every Monday.  Some of our customs include serving a person’s favorite breakfast on their birthday, celebrating awards received by getting frozen yogurt and opening one gift on Christmas Eve.  We have stories of adventures that often lead to inside jokes.  All of these things create a mini-culture for our family.  If we accidentally miss any of these rituals or customs that have been a part of our life, our kids are always really good at reminding us and keeping us on track.  This mini-culture has created a sense of unity and love in our family, and creates feelings and memories that our kids will take with them as they grow and start their own families.    

What customs, rituals or stories do you have in your family?  Are there things you look forward to doing each year with your partner or family?  

It is like that saying...

Families that Play Together, Stay Together

If you want help coming up with family traditions, take a look at this Book

References:

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony, 2015. Print.

Fondness and Admiration in Marriage

In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, he talks about how fondness and admiration for your spouse is a fundamental part of healthy marriages.  He states:

            

“People who are happily married like each other.  If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be happily married.   But fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage.  By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.  The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.  If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. (71)”

Take a look at this example of turning negative thoughts into positive ones.  This story was submitted to the organization SmartMarriages:

 

            Diane,

A woman in my online group was being very negative about her husband and the group leader told her to try to think of some positives, even if it were difficult. This is what she came up with. I thought it was touching. I just wanted you to see it.

- - - - - - - - -

He​ was very helpful in the kitchen. He usually got home from work around 3 PM, and he usually made dinner for the family. I don't get home until around 5 PM. He did all the yard work, took care of all car maintenance, always called me if he was going to be late, instilled complete trust, did the lion's share of bill paying because I hate to write due to carpal tunnel syndrome, balanced the checkbook, fixed the toilet when it would break (regularly), painted the outside of the house.  He usually remembered to put the toilet seat and lid down. He vacuumed occasionally. He spent lots of time with the kids. He bought advent calendars with chocolate behind each day for the kids every Christmas season. He laughed and joked a lot, and didn't like to be serious. He told me when I looked good. He learned to enjoy horses because our girls and I loved to ride.  He was willing to try new dishes I prepared. He loved my lasagna. He went to church with the family every Sunday, even though he had trouble staying awake during preaching. Although he doesn't like classical music, he went to almost every concert our daughters played in when they were in youth symphony (4 years for one and 6 years for the other).  He held my hand through 3 labors and deliveries, and whispered in my ear to encourage me. He lovingly dressed an open wound for me after surgery for a breast abscess after the birth of our 3rd. Four years later, he stood beside my bed as I was being wheeled to surgery to remove a breast due to cancer, and tears filled his eyes as they did mine. That was in 1989.  He walked the floor for hours at night with a sleepless, cranky child. He spooned cereal and baby food into little mouths, and endured spit-up and baby poop on his clothing. He helped me take care of my mother as she was dying of cancer. Is this what you mean, JJ? It was difficult to get started, but look what I accomplished! I also have a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes right now. He was a fantastic husband! My sister told me he "adored" me, and I guess that's correct for a lot of the 26 years we have been married.  ~Unknown

Can you name 10 positive qualities that your spouse has?  

Have you told them lately that you appreciate those specific qualities?

References:

Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony, 2015. Print.

Smartmarriages.com; The SmartMarriages Archives, June 15  

Marriage and Friendship

In the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman, Ph.D. explains that the most significant finding in all his years of research, is the importance of friendship in a marriage.  Without friendship, he explains, couples are not able to recover well from discord in the marriage.  Overtime, the marriage increasingly suffers, until at some point it dies.  

                

He explains, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse...Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to have positive expectations about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt.” (22)

What things get in the way of having a friendship with your spouse or cause negative feelings?

In the movie, “Fire-proof”, the Husband, in a moment of reconciliation with his wife states, “I loved other things, when I should have loved you.”

This is a very honest and telling statement about what can happen in a marriage as the friendship starts to fail.  Overtime, our focus can shift.  Lives get busy, other responsibilities come up and take time and energy away from a marriage and our spouses become less and less of a priority. 

I had an experience with this several years ago.  It was hard for me at the time to grasp what my Husband was trying to convey.  One day as I was trying to figure out how to reconnect I had a very clear thought.  I needed to choose him first and spend more time with him.   I was doing a lot of good and important things like spending a lot of time researching for our disabled son, giving service in our church, etc.  But all this time spent on other things, left zero time to spend with him.  It was hard to face, and I fought and made excuses about why other things needed to come first.  I had to take a good hard look at my priorities.  When I realized the importance of putting him first, I took steps to correct it, and it has made a world of difference.  It was hard, and still is hard at times to say “no” when asked to help or be involved, but our spouses need to see us choose them first.  And to choose them first without resentment.  If things are bad, then you may need to over-correct for a time.  Cut out all unnecessary obligations.  When we do this, our spouses will begin to see that they are important and worth our time. 

If you are interested in reading this great book, you can find it here.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide From the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony

Kindness vs. Criticism

President Hinckley of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints stated:

“I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”

When my Husband and I got married, we received some very wise counsel from our church leader.  He told us to do two things each day:

  

1. Pray together

2. Tell each other that you love them  

At the time it seemed like a no-brainer, but over time, as challenges arose, and we struggled to get along, it became more and more difficult to follow those two pieces of advice.  

After being married for 17 years, I have come to realize how important these two pieces of advice are.  I have come to believe that when couples tell each other they love them, and they pray together, it helps them to focus on the other person, rather than on themselves.  We remind not only the other person that they are important, but in the process remind ourselves that the other person is important.  As we pray together we put ourselves in a position to not only become closer to God, but to align ourselves and our spirit with his will, as well as with each others.  There have been many times when I was upset or angry, and though difficult, when we would pray together, I would feel that anger dissipate.  It is a humbling experience to pray together even when you are not getting along.  

In a November 1996 Ensign article titled, “Covenant Marriage”, Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy, of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, discusses three wolves that attack marriage.  He lists these three things as: natural adversity, our own imperfections and excessive individualism. 

I’d like to briefly focus on the second wolf, our own imperfections. 

In Elder Hafen’s article he shares the following two stories, “One woman told me through her tears how her husband’s constant criticism finally destroyed not only their marriage but her entire sense of self-worth. He first complained about her cooking and housecleaning, and then about how she used her time, how she talked, looked, and reasoned. Eventually she felt utterly inept and dysfunctional. My heart ached for her, and for him.

Contrast her with a young woman who had little self-confidence when she first married. Then her husband found so much to praise in her that she gradually began to believe she was a good person and that her opinions mattered. His belief in her rekindled her innate self-worth.”

     

What a difference in these two circumstances.  Isn’t it amazing to realize how much power we have to lift up or push down those around us?

Two books that reinforce this idea of kindness and appreciation in marriage are:

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

and

The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

In both of these books, it is stressed that kindness and appreciation are vital to the health of a marriage. 

When you consider this topic of kindness versus criticism, in what small ways do you show kindness and appreciation to your spouse each day?

 

https://www.lds.org/topics/marriage/change?lang=eng&old=true

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng&_r=1

https://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/0060520620/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1494469335&sr=8-1&keywords=the+proper+care+and+feeding+of+husbands

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1494468506&sr=8-1&keywords=the+5+love+languages